I love my little three pack. They are just such good buddies. James and Mariyah are the best of friends (or they’re fighting over who got the bigger bowl of ice cream). Violet is the little baby who they dote on constantly. I love every second of watching these three together. The way James and Mariyah pass Violet back and fourth, the way she runs to them yelling “Bubba!” (brother) and “Yiyah!” (Mariyah), the way they all snuggle together on the couch for a movie. It literally melts my heart every. single. time. They love each other to pieces, and I love seeing it. There is no question that this is one closely bonded little pack of siblings.
But sometimes, sometimes when I see them there’s a little twinge of pain in my heart. When my daughter tells me she wishes she had an older sister to read with, or my son tells me he hopes we’ll have another baby boy so that he can share his room, my heart skips a little beat. My heart hurts for them when I think that maybe by being together here, they are missing something out there. Like so many children who have been adopted, my older two children have more siblings in this world. Little people with the same smile, same laugh, same eye roll when their mom embarrasses them in front of their friends. I see my three snuggled up together and I worry, will my older two someday deeply regret the fact that they weren’t able to grow up with their biological siblings?
I know they love Violet to death, and they are her real siblings, even if they aren’t her biological siblings. But that doesn’t negate the fact that they are missing out on a relationship with their other equally real siblings.
Now I know what you’re thinking, and it’s the same thing I’ve thought to myself many times. Make the effort! Make the effort! And we try to. But it’s hard. It’s hard to organize getting several families together on the same day. Especially when one of those families lives several states away. And one of those kids has a baseball game. And another has a birthday party. Well talk on the phone of course! But it’s hard. It’s hard to think of things to say. And it’s hard to keep up with constantly changing phone numbers. And it’s hard to force kids to talk who would rather be outside playing with their friends because they don’t yet realize how important this relationship might someday be to them.
We do get together from time to time. And we’re thankful whenever the kids are able to be with each other. But it’s painful to know that my two older kids might never be as close to their other siblings as they are to each other. No matter how many times we meet at the park, or go to each other’s birthday parties, or exchange Christmas presents, it’s not the same. It’s not the everyday.
And what about their siblings? Their younger brother is likely still to young to think about these things, but I often think of their older sister and how she must be feeling. Does she wish she could share her room, or read them her favorite book, or fight over the biggest bowl of ice cream. Will their little brother soon feel the same way? At least James and Mariyah have each other.
There’s no great answer or insight on this issue. It’s just something I think about often. Am I doing my best to nurture their relationship? What can I do better? As a mom I hate knowing that no matter how much effort is made, there is nothing I can do to make it perfect for them. Missing out on sibling relationships has got to be one of adoption’s greatest losses.
Now on to the Adoption Talk Linkup!
New to linking up? We’d love to have you join us, here’s how.